Sunday, December 14, 2014
75 years old
53 years of marriage
and they're getting a divorce
both of us are friends with both of them
how to navigate this perilous journey...
at least as their friends?
we will listen without judgment
but we will not take sides
we stand as witnesses that
may prevail at the end
whatever that end may be
so that both of us
may remain friends
with both of you
Friday, December 12, 2014
If I were a cat I'd be purring. I brought a bottle of my beer to the local shop where I buy my supplies and asked the owner to taste it and give his critique. He didn't have to compliment me...I already know I like it, as does everybody else who tried it. Plus, he had said he's not fond of the particular beer I made in the first place.
So....he poured, he sniffed, he practically buried his face in the glass to take it in, then tasted it. Hey! That's goooood!!!! He said that. Then we discussed the hint of citrus, which he thought came from the particular hops used in the kit. He even offered a taste to another customer, telling them it was my first attempt.
Ya know what? That felt good.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
A goldfinch flew into (or against) our kitchen window. It looked like it was dead there on the ground. But then, after a bit, its head moved just a tiny bit. I watched and waited, on the alert for Munch, our neighborhood cat, who would probably enjoy an afternoon snack of goldfinch if it were still alive.
The cat was nowhere around, yet I decided to go out to the bird with a box to carry it in, to bring it in and warm it. I nudged it. It was moving a bit more, and then I decided to leave it. If it were simply stunned, it would return to health soon enough. If it were more seriously injured, there'd be no way I could care for a disabled goldfinch. Neither the bird nor I would be happy with that kind of arrangement. So I returned to the window and stood watch. Soon enough the bird was looking all around, twisting its head this way and that, just like it would do on a perch. And then I blinked. And it had flown off to that perch. It was fine.
Standing watch. Caring. Sometimes that's all we need to do, isn't it? I hope when it's my time to fly off to some other perch, somebody will stand watch and care for me. That's all.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Something new happened last night. I went to my blog to write a bit, but the blog address morphed into another address, and the computer went to that address. But it didn't get there. It apparently got stuck and all I got was a white screen. After restarting the computer, the same thing happened. It also happened at another blog I occasionally work with. Hmmmm. I asked George to see what he got if he went to my blog. He could get there on his computer.
So computer whiz came to my aid. He installed some tracking blockers and ad blockers on my computer, and that solved the problem.
But my problem was a bit different. I wanted to understand why that happened in the first place. I know about trackers, and I really don't care who knows where I go. I don't go to porn sites, nor do I google how to make bombs and such, so honestly, I don't have much to hide. It's like if I'm walking down the street and somebody notices which shops I visit. I don't care what they know. And ads? You gotta be kidding if you think I"m sensitive to ads showing up on my computer. Nobody's gonna get business from me. I don't like to shop. I don't care about current fashion. Etc. The ads themselves are annoying, but so many little things in life are annoying, and they're just one of them.
So why did that thing happen? Finally it makes sense. No person did it. Somebody wrote a program that delivers ads or tracks or some such, and a glitch in their program put a nonexistent address in place when I went to my blog. End of story. Annoying. George fixed it.
How do normal folks who are not married to a computer professional get their annoying problems solved? Oh that's right. That's why George will always have work.
Tuesday, December 09, 2014
David McCullough can certainly bring history to life. Currently, I'm reading John Adams. He is having a disagreement with George Washington. Washington believes strongly that public servants should not be paid; they should have sufficient funds to care for themselves and their families for the duration of their service. John Adams fears that idea, suggesting if that were to be the norm, then our country would be run by only the wealthy, and we would devolve into an aristocracy.
And so here we are today. Public servants are paid, and we're still on the fast track to an aristocracy. Honest to god, I don't think we'll ever be any better than that. There's this thing in our brains, I guess, that makes us into greedy bastards. A few, maybe a good number, have squashed that insidious thing in their brains, but they can't stand up against those that nurture their greedy bastardness by marrying it to aggressiveness and cleverness.
So. Is homo sapiens, as an experiment, a success or a failure? Which? Neither? Maybe just a random event in the universe, destined to disappear without a trace?
Sunday, December 07, 2014
Ah, the joy of knowing that when life sucks, it doesn't suck forever. At least for me.
a good night's sleep
sunshine in the morning
a titmouse and woodpecker at the bird feeder
Is it simply the randomness of the universe? Is it even randomness in the first place? I don't know. However, I used to think I knew. God ordered the whole thing, I thought. And then, I stopped thinking that. Some seem to need the security of believing everything is ordered by a deity. Some seem to need the security of believing that they themselves are in charge. Me? I just don't know. I do the best I can, and trust that whatever the unfathomable truth might be, it will keep being the truth whether or not I understand and/or believe.
Several years ago I pissed off a conservative Christian by voicing those thoughts. She had been trying to pin me down into a "this" or "that" label. But that's a story for another day.
Saturday, December 06, 2014
My brother called last night. It was exactly what a good doctor would have ordered. For one last time, I had a chance to describe the chaos of the recent family holiday, and this time I remembered something that had been forgotten...if this is the worst that happens, then I'm having a damned good life.
And then we laughed about other mishaps. Laughter. It could heal the world, perhaps. Lord knows the world needs some healing.
Wednesday, December 03, 2014
The house is now quiet. Everybody has returned to their own homes. I spoke from deep in my own soul to one person in particular...
"I open my heart to you. I love you. But I do not love you according to your expectations and assumptions as to how that love will be expressed. I can only love you with the kind of love I myself have to give. I've journeyed through many trials in my life, as we all do. I've taken on some wounds, and in some cases the scars have left some 'dead zones', in a sense. There have been, and will be, occasions when I pretty much freeze up. That would be one of those momentary dead zones. I suspect we all have them in one form or another. So let us love and trust each other according to our own abilities to love and trust, and not burden each other with expectations and assumptions."
But on another level, the beer has been opened, tasted, and enjoyed. My first effort at making beer was such a success that I had to hide away a few bottles lest there was nothing left for a few other times I wish to share that beer.
Monday, December 01, 2014
There is no way I can describe the stress we all endured this past Thanksgiving. Nor would I want to describe it too much, because those who caused the stress didn't do it deliberately. But I'll say this: they were too immature and wounded to have children, but there is no mechanism to prevent them from doing so. So they did. Two toddlers, one of whom screamed - literally screamed - whenever he didn't get his way. They kept them up until midnight. Yeah, that's right. Toddlers at midnight. And then, as I went to bed, they put the toddlers to bed, and for an hour, from midnight until one in the morning, this little boy screamed. There was much much more, but this was the last straw. I didn't sleep all that night, even with the help of medication.
My takeaway is this: sometimes it's harder than hell to be one of the adults in the room, especially when it involves extreme physical discomfort. "Losing it" would have caused difficulties within the greater family circle that I didn't want to happen, so I sucked it up as best I could. And yet, as I swear I'll never let this kind of thing happen in my house again, I still look back at it and find the gem. The gem? Yes. The wonderful awareness that even now I can exercise self control and spiritual strength. No, not perfectly, but isn't that part of being a grown-up too? Accepting that I don't have to be perfect?
Forgiveness. Accepting that nobody is perfect, and everybody is doing the best they can with whatever tools they have in their own toolboxes. That being said, I sure as hell wish some people had a few more tools to work with.....
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
How can I write when looking at a sign warning of plague? For that matter, how can I write when I'm this tired? Their plane was supposed to get in at 11:30 last night; it was almost two hours late. We pulled up in the no parking lane, knowing that most of the time if we stay with our car and aren't causing a problem with other cars, we're free to wait. It was one fricking thirty in the morning when we were asked to move. There was no traffic, and maybe a half dozen other cars up and down the parking lane. Meaning absolutely no problem. Mike just texted that they retrieved their luggage from the carousel and were on their way out. The guy presented us with a ticket anyway. Sigh. The only thing that makes sense is they were reacting to the unfortunate news out of Ferguson.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
what if there's a door
that you can see anytime you choose
but you can't see if you're absorbed in seeing what's in front of you?
what if that door sits on the sidelines
hoping you notice it
but doesn't impose itself on your daily life
what if you only see it in your dreams
nightdreams or daydreams
and then you notice it
and know that it's always been nearby
waiting for you to want to go through it
into another world
a real world
tucked into this real world
a world of hope, of dreams, of creativity
of expanded completion
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Obama presented his executive action plans for immigration tonight, and against my better judgment, I went over to facebook and saw the rantings of one of my very conservative "friends". Wow. You'd think the sky would be falling.
He reminds me of my grandmother who lived with us until she died. Toward the end of her life, she carried on about how the world was coming to an end, or maybe our country was coming to an end, can't really remember. I figured out that HER life was coming to an end, and she was projecting outward. So too my conservative friend, I think. He is somewhat old and is caregiver to his wife who is bedridden with MS. He sees destruction wherever he looks, especially when he looks at our country, and more precisely, when he looks at democrats, and to put a fine point on it, whenever he considers Barak Obama.
And that reminds me of our beloved elderly aunt, just turned 93. She dislikes Obama. She admits it's because he's black. Well, at least she's honest.
That's enough of a reason to be glad nobody lives forever. I can love them, forgive them, yet be thankful they don't get to spew their ignorance and hatred forever.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Little things become big things as I age. Yesterday's snowfall was spectacular. I spent a fair amount of time cruising from window to window to window, taking it all in, watching the sky change from clouds to sun, watching the clouds forming and reforming as they sailed lazily across the sky...
Will I ever see another snowfall as beautiful as this one? Will I even see another winter? So I drink it all in, seeing and tasting and smelling and feeling and loving in case this one is the one I will always remember. Wise persons say to do this always anyway, to live in the present moment. Of course. But it is always so easy to fall into the fragmentation of the busy life I continue to live. That, too, is a spectacular thing, to have so many responsibilities and interests at this stage of my life.
And yet. Just to be present to the color of blue in the sky...
...and to the Carolina wren at the feeder today. All year we haven't seen any wrens, yet today, in the bitter cold, there was a chubby little wren. I wonder if wrens see the color blue...
So why would I share a picture of a dragonfly surrounded by green? Because it bubbled up to the surface of my pic file. That's all. And I wonder if the dragonfly sees the color green? Would it rest on the plant if the plant were blue?
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Can we be anything else? There are so many of us...homo sapiens, that is...that seen from a distance, the viewer is unable to make out our individual differences.
And yet, up close, the differences practically slap us in the face.
Both. The hard part is to embrace both extremes at the same time. Yet we are both extremes. Seen as the multitude, the life path of any one individual is unimportant. Seen up close, the life path is extremely important - at least to that one individual.
Wisdom, it seems, means we do indeed embrace both extremes. And insanity happens when we can only embrace one. Maybe insanity is too strong a word. Maybe unhealthy is a better word.
When we consider any other animal population, we understand that in order for the herd to remain strong, it sometimes means culling the weakest members. We welcome the return of wolves that keep the elk herds in check.
Sooooo.....how does that apply to us? Is that even a real question? I don't know.
Friday, November 14, 2014
We're home again. We made one of our occasional trips to visit with the oldest living family member on either side of the family (that we know of) - a 92 year old aunt. It's always a long day, starting with a two and a half hour drive, and, of course, ending with that same drive in the opposite direction. At night. I know she needed to see us, I do care about her, but I wasn't looking forward to the day anyway. Good thing duty and responsibility takes priority...
We sat in Panera for lunch, talking back and forth about odds and ends. I don't know who said what to open the door to what happened next, but thank goodness that door opened. I shared with her about my own mother's last week; the week when we all knew she was intimately involved in the dying process. I told her about hospice care, and their emphasis, not on preserving life, but in making death comfortable. Aunt Florence's relief was palpable. She almost became a different person. And then we discussed medical power of attorney and DNRs. I guess what helped her was knowing she wasn't powerless in the process she knows is probably in her near future. I've wanted to share at this level for some time, but I also know there's a right time...and a wrong time. This was the right time. She told me she will sleep well tonight, something she hasn't been able to do in a long, long, long, long time.
Thanks be to timing and doors.
Monday, November 10, 2014
We did it. Got it finished and bottled. We two, who don't agree on almost anything, with our two brains that continually run at cross purposes to each other, who talk to each other in English that still seems like two different languages, we did it anyway. No spilled beer. No broken bottles. Finished. With smiles. Will we do this again? Of course! But first we wait. Wait for two weeks for the carbonation to take place in the bottles, then refrigerate those babies for a nice cold drink just in time for Thanksgiving.
Life is good, at least locally.
Saturday, November 08, 2014
still bummed about the election
almost frozen in the bumness of it
angry at greed
at willful ignorance
at manipulation with fear
somehow angry at myself, too
for allowing myself to get sucked into the politics game
guilty because I'm not doing anything to help rectify the situation
but I'd have to know what to do to help rectify...
I'm not going to do the door to door thing
and I'm not going to do the phone bank thing.
been there. done that.
I need to go sit on the moon for a spell
and watch the unfolding of the development of homo sapiens
against the background fabric of the universe itself
Wednesday, November 05, 2014
The day after elections. Again, I watch helplessly as the people vote against their own wellbeing, and the wellbeing of future generations. Mostly, I'm thinking about climate change, and the science challenged folks who have been elected into office.
It's like getting caught in a remedial math class when I've already mastered the fundamentals of trigonometry. Actually, it's worse than that. In that class I'd only be bored.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Friday night. A good Friday night. Peaceful. Nothing deep or mind boggling; just...a good Friday night. The trick-or-treaters have been out, though only a bit; a cold rain kept a lot of them inside. One little guy cried when our front porch set-up frightened him, but his gramma was right there, so it ended ok.
And my neighbor frightened me! That was cool. I had opportunities to do good things for a couple of people, and that always ends up making me feel good. So that's it, folks. Some days are roller coasters of emotions, some are crazy mind scrambling busy, but tonight was just a good Friday night.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Going with the flow...
Seems like my path is made up of several smaller flowing parts. Guessing that's the case for all of us. And it also seems like I'm not aware of jumping into a subcurrent until it becomes a whitewater adventure.
Case in point: the little neighbor boy who fell in love with a doll I had made. Which opened the door for me to provide a safe place for him to indulge in his love of dolls...because I love them, too.
That, of course, led me to consider his twin brother, for whom I made a stuffed snake per his request.
And that led to the neighbor girl who frequently played with the twins, and she wanted to make a doll when she discovered that the doll Zach had was one I had made. And now Alaina and I are making dolls. And, of course, I can't ignore the twins' older brother, who already thinks I walk on water. So now Aidan and I are making God's eyes. There are now four little and medium sized kids who get to come over here and let their imaginations run wild. That's cool. I can't do much about the ocean of maliciousness and ignorance that seems to be part of the world we live in. But I can encourage and celebrate the natural creativity of a handful of children in the small little current that is my own life.
Perhaps that little current, combined with the kid's life currents, can pollute the larger body of water with creativity and joy.
Monday, October 27, 2014
I haven't written much lately. Some depression has been oozing into my life. Why? Who knows. Aging, perhaps. Recognizing that there are some limitations, now, as to what I can do, what I can expect to do in the future, how much future there is for me in the first place...you probably know the drill. And then guilt crept in, because this is a silly depression, given the serious problems people have on all parts of the globe. I don't have those problems; I have food, clean water, a comfortable bed, a roof over my head, a healthy family. I also have five gallons of beer maturing downstairs, but that's another story.
I woke up in the middle of the night to make a necessary visit to the john, and getting back into bed, those thoughts starting swirling around. Thoughts that generated sadness, guilt, anger.
And then, I remembered. My thoughts are not me. They belong to me, but they aren't me. Some of them are whispers and shadows of monsters from earlier in my life; monsters I have faced and tamed.
My thoughts are not me. Good. And then I fell into a deep sleep, and today the beginning depression is gone. Whew! It still sucks having age related physical limitations, but now I can laugh about it.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Ok, not quite that. More like 48 bottles. And not on the wall. Lets not get sidetracked with details.
We siphoned the mort (fancy word for not quite beer) into the carboy (fancy word for jug). Sorry. I've got to learn to use these words. You get to bear with me. I tasted it; it's already tasty and smoooooth. Nice. I put the airlock back on, and now I ignore it for two weeks.
On to other things: I got hold of some human hair from a barber, and tossed some in the garden to scare off the deer. I've got a dozen butternut squash trying to ripen before first frost, and the deer have munched on one - the ripest one - and I want them to leave the rest of the squashes alone. Squashes. Is that a real word?
Saturday, October 18, 2014
The deed is done.
I was nervous about starting the brewing process. It was new. Timing was important. The equipment is rather large. And heavy. And what if I screwed up five gallons of beer?? But each fear was dealt with, and now I'm done; weary, wiser, and content.
The first hurdle was hefting five gallons of liquid, which is about 40 pounds. No, I can't handle that, but reading closer, I saw the work was done on 2.5 gallons, with the other 2.5 gallons of water added at the end. So good. I tested my ability to lift 2.5 gallons, and yes, I could do that, with some grunting...
The boiling process was precise, and the instructions were quite clear, so we got that done, adding first one thing, then another, then another, all at specific times within the boiling process.
The cooling process was problematic. The suggestion was to cool as quickly as possible, so I followed the directions to put the brew kettle in the sink with ice water. I used up all the ice in the freezer, and it still wasn't down to desired temperature. What to do? Well, it was cool outdoors, so outdoors is where it finished cooling, with a lid on, of course, which slowed down the cooling, but who wants bird and bug poop in their beer!
Then the final steps, when the rest of the water is added. So I brought the brew downstairs, set everything up, and added the rest of the water a little bit at a time, testing the brew with the hydrometer each time until the reading was correct. Yep. Five gallons. That what they said, that's what I got. Now only one thing left to do...add the yeast. But where the flip is the yeast? Upstairs, downstairs, back upstairs, look in all the likely places, back downstairs to see if it got stuck in one of the buckets, back upstairs again, and now I'm thinking I'll have to make a quick run to the store to buy more yeast. Did I put it in early by mistake? I went through the trash, looking for a telltale yeast envelope. Nope. Good. And then I found it. So the yeast was put in and stirred, and all I had to do was put the lid on the brew bucket. But it was at shoulder level, and I didn't have the strength to pound it down. Stood on a chair, still couldn't. So ran over to a neighbor, borrowed their man muscles, and got the job done. Whew!
While I was at it, I racked the peach wine with my handy dandy siphon pump.
Clean up was a bear. Five and six gallon containers are not easy to deal with in the sink. But that, too, is done.
All this while George was in Cincinnati with his chorus for their regional competition. Turns out they placed third. As George said, they got their asses handed to them. I understand what he means, but for the life of me I don't understand the concept. I guess it's a guy thing.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Tomorrow is brew day. It will be an adventure!
But today is a good day, too. Mike and Marti are now married. We'll get to see them over Thanksgiving, by mutual agreement.
Also, I now have four little neighbor kidlets who come over and we do crafts together. They love it, as do I. I take them one at a time, so we can have some quality one on one. The first one designed a doll dress; the second one designed a snake, the third one designed a god's eye, and the fourth one will help make a doll.
And yesterday was also a good day. I finally screwed up the courage to have my birthday suit checked. I thought it would be agonizingly embarrassing, but it was not. Not at all. Results? I'm in damned good shape. Not bad for this old broad, eh?
What I haven't done lately is ride my bike or do some photography. But I guess we can't do everything all the time. I'm grateful to have so many things I love to do!
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Here's the stuff. As soon as I can count on an uninterrupted 3 hours or so, and with the assurance that George will be here to do any heavy lifting, beer will be made. Heavy lifting? Five gallons might be a bit hefty for me to move; we'll see. The nice thing is...in the initial kit there are things useful to my winemaking, too. The beer will be a light beer, one I know I'll like. After that, we'll see what recipes I'll try, and, after I get used to it, what recipes I'll invent.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
The best part of the day was when my brother called. He had read about my bites, and guessed they were chiggers. I had been suspicious.
So why the eff are there chiggers in the first place? And you know what's insane? I did some reading about them, and it was suggested we not scratch the itch. Seriously? The only way I could NOT scratch that horrific itch would be if I didn't have hands. Shit. I woke up once at night and one foot was scratching the other foot just for relief from the itch.
The next time I encounter a fundamentalist who believes in the Bible literally and knows Noah built the ark, I'm gonna ask that person how in the hell they think Noah collected two chiggers. Tell me. If you were Noah and had ever been bitten by a chigger, would you actually make sure you brought two onto the ark? For that matter, fleas, bedbugs, hornets, black widow spiders, brown recluse spiders, ticks, scorpions, just to name a few. Did he build itty bitty cages for them? Sheesh.
If it were my story, it wouldn't be because humans had become evil, it would be because God screwed up. He screwed up by creating these mini monsters in the first place. So when he walked in the garden of Eden, he got bitten by chiggers. And after a spell, after encountering some of these other awful critters with absolutely no redeeming ecological, economic, or cultural value, He owned up to his mistake, texted Noah, and said "Hey Noah! I gotta get rid of these pests, so I'm gonna flood the planet. I'll give you time to build a ship as big as you want to keep whatever animals and people you think are worth saving. But please hurry. I don't want to go another year scratching the bejeebers out of these bites." So Noah did. And when the flooding was done, God hung that rainbow in the sky to celebrate all the gay people he created and were invited onto the ark. See? Those sourpuss fundamentalists got the story all wrong. Mine's better. More inclusive and loving.
Thursday, October 09, 2014
You know what's funny? Besides clowns? (Which aren't always funny, but that's beside the point.)
What's funny is blog counters. I have installed one, and it says I get between 0 and 5 hits daily. But the blog counter itself, run by google, says I get between 50 and 100 - not necessarily on one day, but it counts the hits per page. Is somebody having a decimal point problem?
But it doesn't matter. I don't write to see how many people like my writing. Curious? Sure! But I write for other reasons. At the end of the day, it helps me focus on what really mattered during the day. And, it gives me a chance to work on my writing skills. At the end of the day, what really stood out in the day? That's what's worth writing about, remembering, dissecting. finding hidden or deeper meaning. If the muse wakes up, then the poetic or wandering wonderer will write, but lately it's just been little ol' me, talking about the day.
So what about today?
I walked out to the garden and compost bin and nothing bit me.
A friend and I talked about what will happen to our bodies when we die.
Two customers stopped by to get their dresses. One went home happy. The other needs a bit of tweaking, but she went home happy, too.
The wine at my left hand is good. And gone.
But back to my original comments. We all want to be noticed, right? One way or another? Affirmed that we actually exist and matter? At the same time, we're curious about each other. Which is why I write, and why you read it. Now. All of you anonymous readers...do your own writing. You have stories inside you. Every customer who comes in...when they tell me what they do for a living...and I comment they could probably write a book about some of the things that go on with their job...they all roll their eyes and say "oh yes". So. Dammit. Write your book. Or blog. Share your stories!
Wednesday, October 08, 2014
What kind of monster is lurking in my garden? Every time I go out there something bites me on my feet. In the beginning, I didn't connect visits to the garden with the foot bites. I first wondered if it were bedbugs, but common sense said no, not that. Not trusting common sense, I tore apart the bedroom, and found no evidence. Next up. Spiders? Tiny spiders that may have built a web home near my computer desk? Where I often sit barefoot? No, not that. Swept the bejeebers under the table, still got bites. Critters in my shoes? Nixed that. Sprayed the insides with bug spray. Still got bites.
I knew they weren't mosquitos, bees, wasps, or fleas. I'm familiar with those bites. These weren't them.
And then I connected bites with visits to the garden. Squash vines are surrounding my compost bin, and I have to wade through then to dump the compost. The leaves are about 6" high, and all kinds of mosnters could lurk under them. I always wore shoes, by the way. When I didn't go out there, I didn't get bit. By the way, I never felt the bites; only the itching, and several hours later. Lordy those things itched!
So today's experiment. I slathered SkinSoSoft on both feet, put on shoes and socks, and sauntered out to the garden.Nervous, I stomped on the leaves where I needed to stand to deposit compost. Several hours later, no evidence of bites.
On the subject of critters...I made a snake for one of my neighbor's boys. His brother was the one who wanted the doll, but he isn't inclined in that direction. We decided on a snake. He chose the fabric. Yesterday he got his snake, and I'm told he held onto it for the entire day. I didn't think he'd do that, but he did, and now we're buds. I love that.
Tuesday, October 07, 2014
The internet. I can't imagine life without it. Well, that's a little strong. All I have to do is remember life not too many years ago. I love having access to so much information, now that I've learned how to evaluate the quality of that information. The problem is...I'm interested in too many things! And there's so much worth learning! And so much art to see and appreciate!
When I encounter someone who has taken a different life path, such as doctor, forest ranger, professional musician, financial advisor, engineer, research scientist, environmentalist...I almost always think that I want to do that, too, in my next life. If there is a next life.
The deeper problem is this: I can easily spend the day absorbing information, knowledge, wisdom generated by others, and am enriched because of that. But that means I haven't got off my butt and contributed my own information, knowledge, wisdom. So that would make me a mere consumer. Yikes!
Sunday, October 05, 2014
We were invited to a show yesterday evening, with Steve's quartet as the guest quartet. At the after party, we got to hear them again. I have to say this: they could sing color into a black and white world. Sure, Steve's my son, but it's a lot more than that. When they are on stage, their singing spirits are with us in the audience, sitting with us, clowning around, singing to our hearts. There is no ego left up on the stage. All four guys are like that. So many words I could say to describe them. I'll just make one more comment. When we got home and I went to bed, I dreamed some of the most empowering dreams I've ever had in my life. Yes, they do encourage my soul to grow.
Friday, October 03, 2014
Speaking of dying...
today might be the day
for the summer garden, that is.
It is 70 degrees now, dropping to 40 degrees tonight. Other than the lovely garlic harvest earlier this year, the tomatoes and peppers were a glorious bust. Deer. They decimated the garden, and I didn't have the wherewithall to stop them.
On the other hand, I composted the innards of a butternut squash at some earlier time, and now I have squash vines surrounding my compost bins, with at least a dozen squash ripening.
I guess I'll take a lesson from that. Nature finds a way to keep life going. At least until the sun novas or the asteroid hits us. But even then. If the earth disappears, as one day we know it will, the materials will be strewn throughout the local universe to eventually coalesce into another sun, or planet, and perhaps life will begin again. Just think! My atoms will be part of that renewal! Of course, those atoms that I called mine actually belonged elsewhere before they coalesced into me...
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
one day I will die
maybe something good awaits me
or maybe simply...
the same nothing
from my point of view
that existed before
I won't know until it's my time
how hard can dying be?
people die every day
even babies die
without taking dying lessons
so I guess I'll get through it ok.
I'm not depressed
and sometimes it feels good
to talk about it
because dying is not a disease
it is a passage
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
This is somebody else's story.
I had not seen her for probably two years. She's a client, and I see her when she needs alterations. But here she was, across the workroom table, telling me her story. She had cancer; non Hodgkins lymphoma. I am unfortunately quite familiar with that cancer. I asked her how it was found, knowing it isn't always found easily. She had been to her doctor and complained of shoulder and neck pain. He had her x-rayed, and when they didn't find anything, he referred her to a pain specialist. At least he did that and didn't tell her it was just old age, or in her head, or some such. But she didn't go to a pain specialist. She wanted to know what was causing the pain. Her next appointment was to her gynecologist; not for her shoulder, of course, but for other...routine stuff. She mentioned her shoulder pain. He had her get an MRI. And then another. And then he referred her to an oncologist. It turned out she had four significant tumors, none of which, fortunately, had adhered to any internal organs. Her shoulder pain? One of them was pressing against her spinal cord. After several months of chemo, she's now cancer free. Imagine if she'd taken her first doctor's advice and simply went to the pain specialist. Maybe the pain specialist would have explored further, but what if not?
Doctors aren't gods. They don't need to be obeyed without question. I'm glad Diane insisted on being on her own health care team. She's alive because of that.
And, she'll get her blouse back in two weeks. May she have many years in which to enjoy it.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
A little kindergarten boy went to bed very happy tonight. He likes dolls, and he borrowed one of mine. I asked him if he'd like to help me design some other clothes for her, and he picked out a fabric. Today I called him and asked if he'd come on over. I think he got to my door before the telephone line went dead! He has the doll again with her new dress, and I just got a tearful note from his mom. Gratitude. His style is safe with me. Besides. I like dolls too!
Friday, September 26, 2014
My heart weeps a bit.
My book has been on hold for a couple of months while I've been busy...happily busy...pursuing other projects. I knew I would return to the book, though.
And now I have. A young woman, a friend of one of my sons, announced she has breast cancer. I asked her if she'd like for me to send to her the book as far as I've written it to date. In her response, she said she has always felt a certain kinship to me and my gentle fierceness. I'm not even sure what gentle fierceness is, but I'll be sending her the book as a pdf.
And in the middle of my exuberant wine making, bicycling, fabric work, I feel the pain of the past. A gentle pain, though, not only of remembrance of discomfort, but also remembrance of touching the eternal.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Occasionally I hear comments about how I'm always doing something new. And yes, I am. And at this time of my life. Of course! And why? It's simple. Because I can. Period. One day I'm gonna die, and if I'm lucky enough to contemplate the end of my life as it's occurring, I don't want to have to think about the things I could have done...but didn't. For whatever weak reason.
And so. Yes, I will learn to make beer. Because it's there. Because it's in the realm of things I can actually learn to do. Not like gymnastics or horseback riding or teaching a graduate course in philosophy or playing in the New York Symphony. I'll make my first batch of beer. After that, I'll either make another kind of beer, or go on and learn something else. SO many things to learn, and to the best of my knowledge, I only get one to do this life once.
What kind of beer do you like?
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
looking in the mirror at where we've been
after 70 plus years
looking back at the mountains I've climbed...
sometimes the path has been difficult
and I've groused, bitched, moaned,
and sometimes yelled or cried
but where I stand now
(and I love where I'm standing now)
it's all good
even the shitty parts
because they got me to here.
which is why I like to say
life is good
even when it's difficult
Monday, September 22, 2014
The best part of the day?
Maybe working with a young man with autism. He wants me to make him a cape for his visits to a Renaissance Faire. He will go as a paladin knight.
Or maybe it was chatting with a new client, listening to her talk about her short stint as a model. I suggested she should write a book about her adventures; she said she couldn't do that, she'd need a ghost writer. Well, I'm not looking for a new project at this time.
Or maybe it was delivering a dress to a lovely young mother. She came with her tiny baby and her own mother. Three generations of women comparing notes on childbirth, surviving babies...
Or maybe it was racking my young peach wine. One small glass left over, which I enjoyed. Yes, it was young, not clarified, yeasty, but it was still peach wine, and I'm not really picky.
The worst part of the day? That's easy. Stinkbugs.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Connections again. A client was here, and we were assessing the length of her dress. She wasn't too sure - it needed to be modest as she would be sitting in the front row of a church choir, which would be seated facing the congregation. I had already pinned it up per her showing me the length she thought she wanted. I had her sit in front of a mirror to assess for modesty. She was still a bit uncertain. I was getting ready to tell her that if I saw any discrepancy in the hem length as I was preparing to cut off the excess, I'd err on the side of longer rather than shorter. But I didn't need to tell her that, because at that moment she asked me to do that very thing. So here's the intriguing thing; I had never before formed that thought to share with a client, and never before has a client asked me to do the very thing I was preparing to tell her I was going to do.
I live in more than one world; the world I know and understand, and the world I don't.
Don't we all?
Saturday, September 20, 2014
still thinking about the owl
they've called back and forth in the trees behind our house
for several years
and I frequently go out back and look for them
and listen to them
but this time
I walked out back
with the thought
that maybe this time they'd fly out of the trees
and this time one of them did
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
It was not a good day, but the day isn't over yet. We'll see.
Though the weather report showed fog here, which was true enough, it also stated the sky in Chillicothe was "partly cloudy", with "mostly sunny" later in the day. Now I know what they mean. It was partly cloudy, and the other part was foggy. Bleah.
That wasn't the worst part. The drive down was difficult, with construction congestion, accident congestion, and farm equipment slow downs. Plus, we fussed a bit about how to handle the map app.
But that still wasn't the worst part. We got on the trail, and soon enough got lost. Yes, we knew there were signage issues, but when we saw a sign on the trail pointed to where the trail picked up again across the road, it took us on an uphill gravel driveway to no place in particular. Took out the map app, which pointed us in a different direction, which we took, and ended up on another uphill gravel driveway to somebody's house on a hill. We encountered another person on a bike, who pointed us in the direction we wanted, but it wasn't what we wanted. Took out the map app again, found the trail, and enjoyed maybe two minutes of riding before we encountered steep hills, much steeper than we've encountered on other trails. I ended up walking, which isn't the end of the world, but still...
And so, we deal with the hills and turns, cross the road cattycorner to where the trail picks up again, and end up going downhill right close to a busy truck route. Not fun. My source said the trail would be uphill, and that wasn't happening, plus the truck and traffic noise, with no buffer of trees, was just not pleasant. Downhill now meant uphill later when we'd already be tired. So we turned around and headed back to the trailhead, and that was the end of it.
By the time we got back home again we started to see a bit of blue sky.
Time for a beer. And as annoyed as I am with how this day turned out, it's still a good day. I have a home to come home to. Not everybody does, ya know.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
I wonder where my poetic voice has gone. Vacation? Rebellion? Asleep? Bored? Dead?
And then I look around at the poetry in my life.
The bird feeder. Today I saw a flicker, a downy woodpecker, and a nuthatch, in addition to the usual visitors.
The great horned owls. Their voices have begun again in the trees behind our house. I heard them this evening, and went outside to pinpoint where their calls were coming from. I wondered if they might fly out from the trees, and guess what! One of them did! Right over our yard. A first!
So perhaps my poetic voice is sitting in the audience, taking in the poetry all around.
Life is good.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
We sat in the stadium - visitors side - last night to watch a high school football game. My granddaughter is in the marching band, which is the only reason we attended. I don't care for football games, crowds, noise, and being out at night. But I do care for family, so willingly did the family solidarity thing.
Steve sat there and commented the last time he sat in the stadium was for his high school graduation...28 years ago. That was meaningful. But I have a son who graduated 28 years ago? He's that old, now? I'm that much older, now? How does that happen!!
Marching bands are not what they used to be, which is neither here nor there, I know. When I marched, we actually marched, played march music and other upbeat pieces, learned new music for every home game. Today? Well, they still march into the stadium, but when they're performing, whatever they're doing is not the marching I'm accustomed to. They're not so much a marching band as a posing band. With girls skipping between the band members waving flags.
And they play the same music every week because the half time performance is more about a rehearsal for a band competition at some future date.
Yeah, I'm sounding like an old curmudgeon. But the kids are having fun, bonding through some active and healthy outdoor activities, and the parents are watching and cheering them on.
Friday, September 12, 2014
The bikes were loaded in the van, water bottles filled, bike bags outfitted. And then we noticed a flat tire on the van. George pumped it up and took it to the shop to get it repaired. Forty five minutes the man said; I asked him to call as soon as possible because we're going to take a bike ride. He called back in fifteen minutes. Really? Cool! But he couldn't fix the tire. The nail is imbedded in the sidewall. So. Bike trip delayed again as George took it to Costco where we had purchased the tire and had a warranty. The good part? Well, a couple of them. The sky remained overcast all day; not the kind of day where I like to ride and take pictures. The other thing? I'm glad we got the tire taken care of before we really needed the van for something more serious than a bike ride.
I'm glad I have a lot of things I like to do, and that riding my bike isn't the only thing. It makes switching gears a bit easier.
Bike ride rescheduled again for next Tuesday. Third time's a charm, they say.
Life is good, even when I don't get to do what I planned on.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
It has been a loooonnnnngggg day. One of the dresses that went out the door was as big and complex as a wedding gown, but wasn't one. I took a chance, she liked the dress as I finished it, and thank goodness it's gone. She's happy, I'm happy, and I've got some room in my workroom again. The other dress that went out the door? As small as the first one was large, the fix was just as complex, but I got'er done. Good. And finally, a little girl's flower girl dress that I needed to keep expanding because she's apparently in a monster growth spurt. It'll be done tonight and gone tomorrow.
And now. At last. The bike ride we put off is on the calendar for tomorrow. The day will be cool and dry, the sky will be perfect, my riding companion is the love of my life, and when we get home I won't have any dresses screaming to be finished.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Today's bit of gratitude: a weather radio. It went off at 8 in the morning, and it's not what I want to hear when I've only had one cup of coffee. It turns out it was a flood alert, which is never an issue where we live. Yet I'm grateful for the radio. We got it a couple of years ago when summer tornadoes were doing a hell of a lot of destruction in the plains.
Today's jewel: sitting at the kitchen table, watching a papa cardinal feeding it's young'un. Twenty minutes of that before papa flew away, with the youngster right behind him.
Today's adventure: discovering a wine making supply store right down the road from us. We walked in, got acquainted with the store, and I discovered I just might get into making beer, too. Some beers I like, some I hate. He explained how I can control that. The good thing is this: my wine is going to take a year to mature, but beer only takes five weeks. Wonder what my bro would think if I handed him a bottle of home brew next time he visits.
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
We didn't ride today. The sky was overcast, our spirits were a bit overcast, and I had enough work to do to cause me to rethink my decision to ride today. We're rescheduling it for Friday.
It isn't easy sometimes to change my mind. Ya know? Like when somebody says "that's not what you did before", I tend to think of it as a criticism. Where'd that come from? Am I the only one to think predictability is a virtue? So when I planned the ride, got the maps loaded onto my phone, had the trailhead picked out, etc, it took a bit of energy to suggest we wait a bit. Until Friday. Wanna take an intown ride? Neither of us were inspired. Blame it on the full moon, yes? Or I could do what my conservative friends do....blame everything on Obama. Sheesh.
On the other hand, peach wine is fermenting on my kitchen table. About three gallons; just a small batch...